Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
