is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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