I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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