you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
