Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
