The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i wish my penis had a tongue
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
