Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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