You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
