That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
