omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I need moral support for this bender
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
