her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
