the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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