btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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