The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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