Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize