oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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