You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
