Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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