hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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