I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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