So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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