I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
