ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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