my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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