I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize