everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
