oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
