Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
