you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
