I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
