If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
