shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
