Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
