Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
