It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
