im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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