haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
