Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
