i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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