Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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