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I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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