Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
