So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
