i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
