Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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