I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
