he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
