I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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