my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
