Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
