Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
