Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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