Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
