She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I miss vodka workout Fridays
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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