I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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