well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
