dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Acid is not a monday night drug
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
