Moan for me like Helen Keller
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
