why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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